BEAUTIFUL or DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?
by zirconia
Summary: 15 years after she graduated from Hogwarts, Hermione Granger is running for the Minister of Magic; and Draco Malfoy is her, um, image consultant...you' have to read it to find out the rest.
1. The News

BEAUTIFUL (or DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?)

**Chapter One: The News**

***~*~*HERMIONE*~*~***

            I love my job. Really, I do. Ron can say whatever he wants to about being the head of the Department of Linguistic Researches, but personally I think it's a truly fulfilling and rewarding job. I mean, if it weren't for us, how are the magical communities around the globe going to interact with each other? By drawing little diagrams featuring little stick figures?

            Very unlikely.

            So I am, in some people's opinion, stuck in a dead end job with no real hope to ever achieve anything. But what does it matter to them? I mean why should I be patronised whenever I run into old friends from school? Why do they always have to speak to me in a tone that suggests I didn't know my boyfriend was gay? (Not that I have a boyfriend or will ever need one. Krum had been enough) And don't let me get started on our last Hogwarts reunion. Honestly, people, I'm HAPPY with my job! If anyone suggests a career as a manicurist or a shoe sales woman one more time I'm going to set fire to their designer underwear.

But something happened recently that might shut them up for good. Believe or not, I am now officially one of the candidates in the next Minister of Magic election.

Take THAT, Ronald Weasly the Bludger nose.

It was a bit of a shock, to be honest, because I thought only people from the more populated departments would be in the running. Like the Department of Treasury, the Department of Muggle Relations, and the Department of Foreign Affairs. 

(But then again, where would the Department of Foreign Affairs be without us?)

            All the attention from the public can get a bit daunting, though. It seems that wherever I go, someone from the magical community is going to recognise me and complain about the traffic, the tax, the weather, the stock market, the neighbour's cat or, in the case of that time in the loos at the library, the quality of lavatory paper in public toilets.

What can I say? Fame comes with a price. And if those good people place their trust—and hopefully, their votes—in me, then it would be my duty to make their lives a more enjoyable one. 

Although I had never been into politics (that S.P.E.W. thing was just a personal, intimate act of a teenager who was a bit confused—and it was purely humanitarian), I was feeling that this election thing could really make a difference in improving the society; it would transform lives. Especially my own.

            (And I thought stupidly at the time that it would change things for the better; that is, up until I learned that Draco Malfoy was to become my very own image consultant.)


	2. The First Meeting

A/N: Woohoo! 10 reviews!!! *skips around tossing candy at everyone* Sorry this chapter took so long. Who knew that school could take up so much time?! But I will try to update more often… *checks her homework diary* actually I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.  Meanwhile, a big and heartfelt thank you to everybody who reviewed: : hasapi, tickle the dragon, villeageidiot333, Cedric Diggory (no Draco is not gay. How am I going to pair him up with—ahem, you are not supposed to know this. But the point is that he is strictly hetero. *wink wink*) Nicolea, Slim Shady's-Modeling-Baby, tom felton's babe, ++berri++ (who the hell is 4-leaf-clover?? And why are you starving him or her? Anyways I love u too : ) ), seeweed, T.C.Vincent, Demon-princzess and girl-malfoy. Also a big hug to my first two reviewers: you know who you are. I stupidly deleted your reviews while I was poking around…but you guys are what makes me feel I could be bothered to go on : ) Well, I've just wasted a lot of your time. Anyways, enjoy!! Disclaimer: I own nothing. (how Zen)                                                 Chapter Two: The First Meeting 

***~*~*Draco*~*~***

            I woke up with a headache. For one brief moment I wondered if I had the energy to go outside and ask the builders working centimetres from my bedroom window if they'll turn off their jackhammers for a while. Then I remembered that I live on the 24th floor and realised the demolition work is going on inside my brain cells courtesy of numerous Harvey Wallbangers consumed the evening before. 

            A hangover; story of my life. 

I sat up and was blinded by the rays of sunlight leaking through the curtains. The woman next to me was still sleeping. I've forgotten her name already.  

            Turning the tap to cold, I stepped into the shower. A million minute icy needles penetrated my skin and sent quivers through my body. I could hear my very bones clattering, but I clenched my teeth and forced myself to stay there. 

            The glass screen door banged behind me as I left the shower. Staring back at me from the bathroom mirror was a lifeless face. The red-rimmed, blood shot eyes were burning two holes on skin as pale as chalk. The Tahitian tan was wearing off and I bear a certain resemblance to a freshly skinned cucumber. My hair, silvery blonde as always, was hanging limply over my forehead. Water was dripping into my eyes.

            I nodded at the reflection. "You look like a ghost." It nodded grimly back at me. 

            I almost jumped as a claw gripped my shoulder—no, it was just the 9-inch-nailed hand of the woman I'd brought home. I could vaguely remember her telling me proudly last night that they were all real. For some reason my stomach contracted.

            "Good morning sunshine." She planted a wet, sloppy kiss on my lips; or rather, knocked her jaw against my chin. "You were amazing last night!"

            This was too much.

            It took me a while to convince her that it was only a one-night stand and I had no intention to marry her. ("But Dom, I really think we're destined to be together!" I didn't bother to correct her) By the time I got into my car it was well past 1 pm. Boppy is not going to be very happy about this. I had a feeling that something's about to happen.

            Robert Westwood was my boss. A balding man in his early fifties, I call him Boppy. He's not very popular, not because he spits when he's talking, but due to the fact that he seems to be permanently stuck in menopause.   

            When I opened the door of his office he was sitting in his chair with his back facing me. But as soon as I closed the door he swung around and banged his hands on the desk.

            "So," he spat, sending a fine mist onto the glass tabletop in front of him. "Mister Malfoy had decided he would come to work, after all."

            I shifted from one foot to another.

            "Any idea what time it is?" his eyes narrowed maliciously. Why do bosses always ask questions they already know the answer to, please?

            I didn't say anything. 

"I understand that your spending habits might place you in awkward financial situations, so if you can't afford an alarm clock I will be happy to get you a replacement. How about a rooster?" he bared his teeth as he snorted with laughter. I sighed and turned to leave, but he stopped me as I reached for the doorknob: "You have a new assignment."

***~*~*(Still Draco)*~*~***

            Oh, this is just so great. I have such a glorious, fabulous and wondrous life. Now to top it off I get to work with—no, work _for_—Hermione Granger. As her _Image Consultant_. In her _Election_. 

            And if she doesn't win, my reputation as a designer is ruined. 

            I am in such a good mood.

***~*~*Hermione*~*~***

            God, I haven't panicked so much since my first job interview, when my period decided to surprise me with an unexpected and perfectly timed visit and my roommate's cousin threw up on my resume. But this is different. Much worse, as a matter of fact. Although I'd rather go to another Chudley Cannon's game with Ron than admit that it was because of Malfoy, I have to say that it does make me feel uneasy. 

            Why would he have anything to do with image consultancy? (if there really is such a thing) Shouldn't he be hiding in some mouldy chamber brewing a potion to rouse Voldermort from death? Shouldn't he be terrorising Muggles? Shouldn't he be, at the very least, in a position that's more, well, _masculine_??

            I can't concentrate. The meeting is just an inconvenience loitering in the background. Voices, loud and monotonous like vacuum cleaners were drawing on and on and on, sucking the very spirit out of me. The room was stifling, and I felt a powerful urge to scream……

            Just then the door was opened with a bang. And in walked a tall, lean figure.

            Draco Malfoy.

***~*~*Draco*~*~***

            I looked around the room before settling my gaze on her: my new project; my new _boss_.

            She hasn't changed the slightest. The same bushy hair that still looked like a puppy with his jaw stuck in a power point. The same round, chubby physique. The same hopeless dress sense. The only thing new is a pair of square rimmed glasses, which was dangling off the tip of her nose; which, I might as well add, could seriously use some mattifying lotion.

            Looks like I've got a lot of work to do.

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Nice To Meet You Too

A/N: Omigod!!! 23 reviews!! Thank you all so so so so so much!! *is hyperventilating* Big thankyous to Snapes FEMALE Twin, fReDAnD GEoRGeWeASleY ArE gODs (hmm, I'm not sure if I want Draco to be gay…I mean it would be funny if he was, but wouldn't that be like a parody to Will & Grace?), storyteller (Voldermort is supposed to be dead in this story, so everyone will be able to concentrate on their lives and get down to some lovin' without being distracted by the inconvenience that is the Dark Lord and His Bunch. *wink wink* And no Hermione has no homosexual tendencies…at least not yet. I haven't decided.)  In Silent Lucidity, Vanyaria Darkshadow, avri, Fiery-chan (thank you so much! And man, my story is definitely NOT better than all yours put together. I mean on average you have about 150 reviews for every story you've written! And they are EXCELLENT. My hat goes off to you!), b0ing, Green Sea Turtle, MeMeMeMeMe, Angelgirl1, T.C. Vincent…I love you all! *sobs and blows nose* 

So here it is…enjoy!!

Disclaimer: yadda yadda……cough cough……scratch scratch……you know the drill. 

Chapter Three: Nice To Meet You Too 

***~*~*Hermione*~*~***

            I find myself staring at him. I would like to say it was because of shock and disgusted fascination, but secretly I have to admit that Malfoy…didn't turn out as badly as I thought he would. Ahem. Although I wouldn't go so far as to say that he's good looking, he is marginally, um, more attractive than a diseased cactus. 

            I realised furiously that, despite my efforts to act nonchalant and indifferent, I was blushing. Why is he staring at me like that? I shift in my chair and meet his gaze with narrowed eyes and my nose in the air. I didn't want to look snobbish but I was sitting down and he seems to be on the lanky side. 

            _Bring it on, then._ I thought. _Show me what you got._

            Then, to my utter surprise, he burst out laughing.

***~*~*Draco*~*~***

            I've said it once and I'll say it again. She hasn't changed the slightest. The way she's glaring at me! And in spite of my attempt to appear defiant and sardonic I began to smile. Then before I knew it I was laughing out loud. 

            That was the first time I laughed in…I can't remember, six months? Two years? It almost felt like I'm back at school again. 

            Only that was years and years ago, and nothing is the same anymore; I cleared my throat and pulled myself together. But another look at Granger I had to grin. She hasn't changed. The way she's sitting there, stiffly with her mouth set in a straight line, red patches on her cheeks and her eyebrows wrung together, made me think that maybe this job won't be as bad as I thought…I smiled again as memories of how I used to tease her came back. Oooo, this is going to be fun…

***~*~*Hermione*~*~***

            I was so mad. How dare he openly insult the candidate of the Minister of the Ministry of Magic election—me!! To think that he could just stand there laughing his head off in front of such a group of distinguished people…I felt my blood boiling as it rushed into my head. I've never been so humiliated!

            I jerked my chair back and struggled to stand up. Malfoy had calmed down by now, although his lips were still twitching in an effort to stop chuckling. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my voice:

            "Mr Malfoy," I said, my hands had become sweaty.

            "Oh, you are acquainted with him Miss Granger?" someone asked.

            "Yes," I fixed my most deadly stare on Malfoy. "We were at school together." 

            "Oh that's great. I see there's no introduction needed since you already know each other. Then Mr Malfoy, shall we get started?" One of the organisers suggested and motioned him to sit down, but Malfoy remained standing. 

            "I was wondering," he said slowly, his cold grey eyes unflinchingly meeting my gaze, "if I could spend some time with Miss Granger in private and show her my…ideas." 

            The way the corner of his lips curled unpleasantly made me feel disturbed. I haven't heard much from my school friends in all these years (except the old gang) and I don't know what Malfoy had been up to after the graduation. But one thing's for sure though, he's still his old self: presumptuous, insolent and cynical. I was certain he wouldn't wholeheartedly devote his time and energy to help me win this election. And I'd never expect him to, after all that's happened at school. Even though he did help to bring down the Dark Lord, the rivalry between his little party and the Gryffindors only intensified as time went on. So it was only natural that I was on my guard, but before I knew it I was half-dragged out of the conference room by him.

            He let go of me in the hall and started walking towards the exit without another look at me. This only infuriated me even further, but I'm not about to lose my cool in front of a Malfoy. I followed him, rubbing and dusting the spot on my arm where he had gripped me. It pained dully and I began to curse him and whomever it was that decided to hire him for me under my breath. But I dared not lag behind. I was right about his height and those long legs seemed to be muscular enough to carry him at such a pace that forced me to jog behind him. Which of course made me angrier than ever.  

            Finally we reached the car park. He walked directly towards a red Ferrari and opened the door. Seeing him get in, I doubled my pace and dashed towards him, but he slammed the door in my face. I was just about to scream at him when he scrolled down the window. 

            "Get in." he said shortly. I was so startled by his surprisingly benevolent tone that I didn't know what to do.

            "W-where are you taking me?" I stammered.

            He looked at me over the rim of his sunglasses: "I'm taking you shopping."  

TO BE CONTINUED…REVIEWS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED…AH C'MON…I'LL GIVE YOU LOLLIES…

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	4. I HATE Shoe Shopping

A/N: I love love love love love love you guys!!! Thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed. Amazingly, even though I haven't been updating for MONTHS, reviews are still turning up in my inbox...no words can describe my gratitude... Due to the large number of reviewers (*giggle giggle*) the answers will be at the end this time. And, no I haven't forgotten, here are the lollies I promised you last time:O O   
  
...the only catch is they don't really look like lollies...and you'll have to imagine the taste. :b (I mean, it IS the digital age, after all)  
  
Hehehe...well, here it is. Enjoy! (I mean the chapter.)  
  
Disclaimer: is it really worth it to throw in the money, time, patience and all that crap you need for lawsuits while all you can get will be barely enough to buy your lawyers a glass of orange juice? Think about it. I know you will.  
  
Chapter Four: I HATE Shoe Shopping  
  
*~*~*Hermione*~*~*   
  
Remind me to never get into Malfoy's car again. Clearly he has no idea how the whole road and traffic system is supposed to work, and he had about as much respect to traffic lights as he would to a monkey on a pogo stick. It was a chaotic journey, with much honking, shouting and rude signs upsetting senior pedestrians. By the time he came to a skidding halt in front of a store I was clutching to my specs for dear life; my hair was in my mouth and I had more than one bruise from being thrown against the door on several occasions.  
  
I got out of the car with some difficulty then wobbled into the store unceremoniously just in time to see Malfoy kiss the sales assistant. Passionately.  
  
Oh puh-leeease.   
  
  
  
*~*~*Draco*~*~*  
  
I haven't seen Desiree for months. It was the typical desperate-washed-up-formal-catalogue-model-trying-to-get-hitched scenario. She was eager to please and I had nothing better to do. In the end, I never called her again, which is why I'm tolerating her utterly undignifying behaviour. Actually it's no big loss to me: Desiree was tall, slim and curvy in all the right places; the kind of girl you would see at beauty pageants and auditions for soap operas. To top it off she had a very hippy attitude about love and, well, making it.   
  
I had to literally peel Desiree away from me as I heard Granger clear her throat pointedly. Something in her eyes made me decide against introducing them to each other. After all, it's my right to keep my work and personal life separate, isn't it?  
  
"Malfoy," Granger spat icily, "I would appreciated it if you could keep your work and personal life separate. This is not the kind of attitude-"  
  
I didn't give her the chance to finish. "Something sharp for this lady, please. I would say a..." I shot a sly grin at Granger "size 14?"  
  
I silently applauded myself as I sensed Granger turning red. I am seriously beginning to enjoy this.   
  
*~*~* Hermione*~*~*  
  
I slumped facedown on the couch heavily, the pile of shopping bags cutting off the blood circulation in my legs. To say my day was hellish was a modest understatement. After trying on about 40 different suits that all looked basically the same, Malfoy dragged me to the hair dresser, the beauty salon, the manicurist, the shoe store, the formal ware outfitter, the manicurist again because the nail polish didn't match the dress he said would make me look more amicable; then it was off to the jeweller, his personal trainer, the dietician, the dentist...needless to say, I was ready to murder him by the time I lugged all the shopping home.   
  
I have made the decision (I wonder why it was so surprisingly easy): I will fire Draco Malfoy the first thing next morning. Now all I need is a nice little good-bye speech that will avenge all the humiliation and embarrassment he had subjected me to in a mere 12 hours. Honestly, that man is such a motherf*cking asshole. Yes, you read it right. I think words I'd never say.   
  
Having got that off my chest, I immediately began to feel peckish and proceeded to rummage through the fridge for my triple-choc ice cream. But oh no, can't eat. Teeth bleach still drying.  
  
Fine. It's not like I'm starving to death.   
  
I took one last longing look at the ice cream before putting it back into the freezer. What to do now? With no munchies I don't feel like writing or reading, and I still feel hyperactive with all the fury towards Malfoy. Maybe a long hot bath will calm me down.   
  
I studied myself in the mirror as the water was running. Short, plump, no make-up on my blotchy face, hair looking like Hagrid's, the occasional zit still haunting me years after puberty, shoulders that could be substitute ham...  
  
Maybe, just maybe, I should reconsider firing Malfoy-no Hermione snap out of it!! Remember, he was the one who made you feel bad about yourself in the first place! How can you remain confident with this negative influence lurking around? But then again, he is trying to help me to be more physically striking-not that there's anything wrong with the way I am now...   
  
I sighed. What am I going to do? I could either give up my pride and accept Malfoy's "help", or ignore his advice and stay the way I am. What am I to do?   
  
A/N:  
  
The Brainless Wonder-I am glad you enjoyed it. And the best way to get me to update often is by giving me lots of reviews...*wink wink* Thanks for reading!  
  
Dreaming One-lol, no I don't think they will be gay...yet. I mean, initially the plot does not involve anything, um, queer, but I might change my mind, being the stereotypical Gemini that I am :b And thanks for reviewing!  
  
Angel+Devil=me-that was an excellent question, and I have to say that I haven't thought about the issue dear ol' Draco has with muggles...but remember that he's always been a major show off, and with a flashy car he can do that to muggles and wizards alike instead of being mistaken as the janitor with a broomstick. And don't worry; Harry will definitely be in this story...somewhere. Anyway thanks for reviewing!  
  
Ophelia-I'm so happy you liked it. Thanks for reading!  
  
In Silent Lucidity-awww...*hugs* of course I'd want to! Hehe and being a shopping addict myself, I know you can never underestimate the way shopping triggers happiness and brings people together...lol anyway thanks for reading and reviewing!   
  
Pauline-I am really really really glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Trillium-Ah! Finally someone who understands the pain...put it there, sister... And thanks for reviewing!  
  
Vanyaria Darkshadow-lol yeah you never know what might happen in the fitting rooms...(uh I'm giving away too much information). Anyways, thanks for reading!  
  
avapouri-I am so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
embattledcurve-I'm really happy you like it. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
MissBimboBarbie-I promise to update as often as possible...although with school n all it's rather difficult. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Demensha-lol they just don't go together do they? And thanks for reviewing!   
  
Cdachen-*gasp* grammar mistakes? I knew I shoulda read it again before uploading...so um, I would really appreciate it if you could tell me where they are, and I promise I would try my best to avoid future errors. Thanks for pointing that out!  
  
Grasshopper-hmmm well maybe they will, maybe they won't; maybe they will at first but not in the end. Only time can tell...*does Trelawney's thousand mile stare* and before we drift off, thanks for reviewing!  
  
avri-thanx for reviewing   
  
storyteller-woman? Apartment? Oh but that's her flatmate. And it's not necessarily a woman you know...*gasp* wow that makes me feel so special *faints* I mean, that's probably the nicest thing people had said about my story so far...*blushes* Anyway thanks for reviewing!  
  
Kekelina-I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
*p*R*i*N*c*E*s*S*---aww...*feels very flattered* Thanks for reading!  
  
Christa-I am so glad my story's good for a few laughs. : ) Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Littlemap-jelly? *am completely lost* lol if you're talking about candy I've never seen the ones with jellies in them. Sounds fascinating though...I could really use some of that right now...*rushes to the fridge* Anyway thanks for reviewing!  
  
Finding Beauty-yeah I guess Draco is a bit of a pretty boy *gets all giggly* I am so happy that you love it! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Angelgirl1-*hugs* I would like to make it a bit longer too but school had started already and before I know it all of my time will be devoted to coordinate geometry and so on...(is there even a practical use for coordinate geometry??!!) Anyway thanks for reviewing!  
  
some1-I am really glad you liked it. Thanks for reading & reviewing!  
  
Green Sea Turtle-hehehe, goog idea! Keep 'em pointers coming! They will be greatly appreciated and thanks for reviewing!  
  
fReDAnD GEoRGeWeASleY ArE gODs-oh so is that what it is...I though it was a confectionary of sorts...lol thanks for reviewing!  
  
Sailor Moon Rose-ummmm, of course...the only problem is that I don't plan to get married for about another 10 years...me being only 17 n all...so if you could wait that long then yeah lol. And thanks for reviewing!  
  
ilo's-lil-baby-lol thanks for reviewing!  
  
Cedric Diggory-wow, I feel so loved...I promise I will update as soon as is possible. Sigh. But I do wish I could be like Diz with her management skills and writing speed...newayz thanks for reading!  
  
Elven ice angel-well here you go :D I know it's a short chapter but there's more coming! I promise! Please be patient and bear with me! Btw thanx for dropping by and reviewing!  
  
LadyOfSlytherin-I am definitely continuing it...just at a slower pace. Haha I think it's hilarious too...because I am the AUTHOR!! Mwahahaaaa...*coughs embarrassedly* OK THAT was never MEANT to be funny...thanks for reviewing!  
  
Armmonde-mate, you've got it. (both the story and the lollies) And thanks for reading!  
  
Reika-*tearily* it just makes me so happy...to know that my story is appreciated...*blows nose* lol please don't be alarmed. I just had a slight malfunction of the brain. But it is absolutely true that nothing, I repeat nothing, makes me feel more loved than reviews, be them long or short, encouragements or flames, witty or wacky. Just bring 'em on, baby!!   
  
Now go and click that lil button down there! Just do it! I know I'm ripping off nike but the hell with it...JUST DO IT!!! 


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